Motivation

      It takes a lot to get me motivated...for what? Well, anything, really. I don't know why it's such an issue, but I drive myself nuts because I'm so hard to motivate. I'm also a terrible procrastinator. It's really quite ridiculous. I think, though, I've finally gotten the hang of it--or at least I know what I want to do, why I want to do it, and have a general plan as to how to bring it about. I've been considering this for quite some time, but something sort of random really drove the idea into my head tonight. The idea of motivation, that is.
      Now, for your typical 20-year-old college student, I suppose my list of responsibilities is slightly below average. I'm in school (duh). So, there's homework, class, cultural events, band rehearsals, sectionals, and the occasional social obligation. Nothing out of the ordinary there. I have no job as of yet. I have no vehicle of my own. Both soon to change, I hope. But, those are two more things I don't have to worry about just yet. At home, I've got chores if they haven't been done by someone else already. All things considered, that's not much to deal with, right? Right. Then how on earth do I keep finding myself stuck in numerous ruts simultaneously? And just with school, not really the other stuff? Because I'm a moron.
      Don't get me wrong; I'm one of the most brilliant people I know. Not saying that to brag, it's a pretty well-known fact. But when it comes to schoolwork and the like, I keep thinking I have more time in the day to do it...and then, since I put it off, more time in the week. The month. The semester. And then? Oh, "crapthatessaywasduehowmanydaysago?" comes and smacks me right in the face. I work better under pressure, so yeah, I intentionally put things off. And I remember almost everything my professors tell me I need to do, so I don't write every little detail down. But it's finally sunken in: I can't keep doing that. It doesn't work. So I've been telling myself for years. Why hasn't it actually registered til now? Heh. Well, there are probably quite a few reasons...none of which I'll go into right now cause they're beside the point of this post. So there. Moving on...
      Drop back a few years. My grandma died March of 2010. Dealing with her passing as well as the still-settling estate has been extremely hard for various reasons (and that's a whole 'nother story in and of itself). How is this relevant? Well, there have been a lot--and I do mean a lot of things reminding me of her lately. Every maudlin conversation or chapel message or coming across a gift or card she gave me carries so much weight, it's like hanging sand bags off the pommel of the knife stuck in my chest. I've never grieved for anyone this long before. I remember clearly her high-pitched, slightly raspy voice; the way she smelled; the way she felt when I hugged her or sat in her lap, especially in that one satiny blouse...and it hurts. I remember the not-so-pleasant memories of the years following my parents' divorce. Her relationships with pretty much the whole family were poisoned. We didn't have friendly conversations for years, until the last time she was in the hospital. I forced myself to forgive her for the crazy crap she'd put us through, and found it wasn't so forced after all. My only hope then was that it wasn't too late. My new hope is to make her proud of me. She always used to tell me she was, but I didn't think she had any reason to be. I just did everything I was supposed to do, not even with much effort or care. Now, it's different. I want to change, put forth my best for everything I do, not just enough to get by. I want to try. I want to do justice to her memory...the good parts of it, the parts I remember from childhood.
      I don't like to admit it, but I really am quite a sap. This next part should lighten the mood a bit. If nothing else, you'll have another reason to call me a nerd.^^
      So. Over the past year or so, I've gotten to be quite the otaku--in the American sense, not the Japanese sense. I'm rather proud of it. I watch quite a bit of anime. I read as much manga as I can get my hands on. My most recent spurt of motivation actually resulted from me watching "Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann" for the first time. I was very moved through the whole series. The main thing that got me, however (with other anime as well, but this one had the most impact) was the emphasis on pushing as hard as one can to achieve anything and everything one can imagine and the importance of pressing onward and believing in oneself. I have a whole new appreciation for drills. Watch the show, or read the manga...it'll make more sense than I could of explaining it. Anyway, (sad as it may sound) it was watching the Team Gurren setting impossible goals and then proving them impossible-along with that drill metaphor-that really got me wanting to do something worthwhile. I never thought in a million years I'd be so inspired by a TV show, especially one that was so casually suggested to me by a friend just cause he thought I might find it entertaining. It was, of course. But it was so much more. You can be sure, my fighting spirit is alive and kicking ;)
      Now the problem is I'm really hoping that my newfound motivation will last through my next few years of school and into work (especially since it just hit me at the end of this past semester. Not helpful timing at all). I don't think it's faded any, but what reminded me to keep it all up was decorating for Christmas. I love the holidays, truly. Even though it seems to become more and more bittersweet with every passing year, with more to do and fewer people around that I grew up with, it's one of the few times everyone actually sets everything down to come together as a happy family. Every widely-extended branch of it. I've been home from school for about a week now. My mom had been saying for quite some time (since she works at the cafeteria at my school and I actually see her) that as soon as I got back we were gonna put up the tree and decorate it.
      Ha. Well, things kept coming up and we both ended up tired and sore or just busy doing something else and it hadn't happened...which I was partially okay with, because we have too many ornaments for our tree and it can be quite a hassle to get them all out of the closet in the spare bedroom and put them all up one-by-one and move around the ones my niece decided to hang while we were out so they weren't all in one cluster on the bottom few branches and I don't really like spending so much time and effort on something we're just gonna have to take back down in a month...*sigh* Excuse me. I can ramble sometimes, I know. Anyway, neither me nor my mother were remotely motivated to get the tree done. While she was (I thought) preparing to start on it today, I went outside and hung some big, plastic ornaments on our tulip tree. I was feeling better about decorating then. Mom came out to watch, so it still took a while to start on the actual Christmas tree in the den. And then took a longer while to finish. But then, looking at the finished product (minus the tree skirt, since Mom remade it into a people skirt again), I remembered. Going through all the old ornaments and lights and beads...it was all worth it. Not just to have something pretty to look at, but the symbol of the thing. Heck, I even hung mistletoe in one of the doorways. There was something about looking at the tree this time...something that reminded me that once you start something, and really give it your all, you'll end up with something to be proud of.
      I can honestly (not happily, but honestly) say that this past year has had more moments than I care to admit that I am not proud of. But that's something I hope to change. No, scratch that. Something I will change. Next year will be better. I'm bound and determined to do something that I'll be proud to look back on and say "Heck yeah, I did that. And for my next trick, something even more amazing!" No more mediocrity. That, I adamantly refuse. I will make my grandma proud. I will press on to the future. I will come out smiling, no matter what. And now to shut up before I start sounding like a cheesy country tune. It's two weeks early, but Merry Christmas all :)